What I was in for

I was not prepared. I was not prepared to lose all sense of who I am for so many years or doubt every decision so completely that I gave up making choices entirely. I couldn't have imagined how intricately I would begin to criticize every human being's behaviors, including my own, and the height of standards I'd expect around children who notice everything and nothing like flipping an invisible switch. I was caught off guard by the mental water torture at the close of each day where every drop highlighted a short coming in the last 12 hours to the point that a once quite confident, borderline arrogant, woman would consider checking willingly in at the nearest mental facility. I was shaken to wake up years down the road and, looking back,  see the depression only after regaining some semblance of emotional stability. 

I had no idea, pre-motherhood, that when I judged a parent, based on their toddler's behavior, she was blaming herself as well and had no idea what to do having exhausted the gamut of sage advice and paperback solutions which all fail because three year-olds are innately insubordinate, boundary obliterating geniuses. I was also shocked at the vast ocean of competitive mother's and childless do gooder's opinions and unsolicited advice I'd have to stoically swallow for each "behavior" my little learning human would temporarily test. I could never have seen what I was in for and if I had, I wouldn't have chosen parenthood.

 Then, I'd have missed out on what what can only be considered insanity because that hardship is probably the biggest accomplishment into which I will ever unknowingly step. My kids have made me angrier, more helpless, violently humbled, and broken than any experience could have and in so doing, also forged within me a bigger portion of  strength, bravery, happiness, self assurance, and fulfillment than I could have found without them. In fact, before children I had no clue, even in the meeting of my husband, what love REALLY is. Because of these lessons, I am a better wife and friend since I know what suffering for those you love means. If you can endure screaming, stomping, smashing, embarrassing, unrelenting, selfishness for days on end and hover over their peacefully sleeping bodies willing to love and hold and kiss and provide for them again day after day you can handle most anything anyone else does to you - just as long as no one does anything to THEM!