I lost myself. Somewhere in the giving of my body to pregnancy, every dream to the desires of my husband, every second to the needs of my children, and the stray moments of cultivating a life of philanthropy, I feel I've nearly ceased to exist.
I've read one book in 3 years. One book for sheer pleasure, not spiritual devotion, not education, not children's tales. I miss reading.
I miss quiet, thoughtless moments. Even in the few hours after the kids have gone to sleep my head is full of this barrage of planning, criticizing, questioning, agonizing, processing, frustrating. Even letting it go, whatever the IT may be, is like diving into a dog fight and wresting one animal from another.
I have FOUGHT a momentous battle in myself. I KNOW "we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Cor 10:3-5) I fight against my OWN mind.
I KNOW "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it" (Matthew 16:24-25) But I have not done it willingly and, at times, have even been bitter over such a calling. "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." (2 Cor 9:7)
The Bible tells me He will give me peace, that His burden is light. Mine is VERY heavy, but I don't know how to put it down. It seems a great mental effort to let a thing go and even then it is truly not released for it springs again to my mind, later, and later, and again. I want to hold on to my books, my crafts, my dreams, my plans, my desires but the time for those things is consumed by the needs of those around me.
The world would advise "me" time. I know it's NEVER enough. I have taken such time and am even more loath to return to my duties then I was before I lavished an hour or two on my own indulgences. Nowhere, that I have found, is this encouraged in the Bible. To be honest I find no respite in it either, there's a constant pulling toward duty that keeps me from enjoying it.
I feel I give almost my all to everyone. I have a few expectations. I have recently been emotionally shattered and, I feel, financially cheated. I am told, it seems, by people that expectations deserve such demise, as though I am at fault for believing people should be more thoughtful. In any case, I am advised to "pray for those who mistreat you. If
someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone
takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back." (Luke 6:28-30)
I have carried, drug, wrestled, and been defeated by a gaping hole called UNFULFILLED my whole life, not without warrant, mind you, but even the most easy, stable, and perfectly functional life has its pitfalls. Though it be a large thing that trip me and a small slight that trip you, we are both on our face in the dirt. The point is, I want to detach myself from my emotions and lose myself to others with no regard how they treat me. I want to do what I should DESPITE them all and devoid of bitterness. I want to call the constant boxing match between my duties and desires in favor of obligations, end the bout, and retire.
Somehow I think when Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." (John 15:13) he wasn't only foreshadowing His death and speaking of diving in front of a bullet. He was telling us to forgo ourselves, our personality, desires, longings, loves, sometimes even dreams, for the sake of everyone else and especially God. How do I get THERE?
