I wanted to give you all something lovely and encouraging for Thanksgiving but time and again, the words were not there. In their place swirled a thousand thoughts, a relentless barrage of melancholy. I could not shake it so I will share it.
Countless times I've heard people say, "It looks like you have it all together." "It looks like you can handle it by yourself." "It looks like you don't need any help." "You are where I want to be." You need to know that it looks that way because my smile is set when you peer through the window of my life for a brief moment. You don't see the suffering because I carry it inside. I have all the patience in the world with my flailing, sprinting, climbing children because I have lost it enough times to feel guilty and had to reason out the appropriate punishment and the times when I have to concede to their youthful vigor.
I am reminded that I have seen worse, but I am not without my breakdowns. I have cried for so long that there were only tearless, breathless sobs left, that my eyes were all but swollen shut and had a vicious headache from the racking emotional trauma. I have watched the people I love most whither away. You do not see the inner toil of every day because I do not broadcast it on social networks or rush to tell when people ask how I am. Mostly, people don't care anyway and even if they do, a brief hug and a little chat doesn't fill the emotional pantry when you've been starving all your life. My biggest turmoils now are for those who are where I was or those whose souls are so far lost I don't know how to begin to speak to them about God.
Most people don't actually want to "touch" the problems of others. They want to offer an encouraging word, some scripture, and get on with their day feeling thankful that they don't have those problems or superior that they don't make such stupid choices. This reality is my nemesis. We are supposed to cover one another, to stand between them and their attacker, whatever that may be. To do so means to put yourself in harm's way. It means you willingly give up your comfort for theirs, even if they don't deserve it. Your heart is broken because theirs is. All too often we smile and hug and say, "If there's anything I can do...." and then wait for the person in need to ask for something tangible.
If you really know what it is to need, you know that isn't how it goes. We have to get to know people and then surprise them. Discover their troubles like Shurlock Holmes (because they won't tell you) and then toss off our warm blankets, give up our full bellies, miss the events we wanted to go to, and dive into the trenches of wars that aren't ours. We have to suffer our secure hearts to hurt with those that hurt and guess what, it bloody well hurts - a lot.
Mostly, it hurts because even in your suffering with them, you can't fix it. You can't take their addiction or make them feel worth something. You can't promise them health or financial ease. You can't piece together a broken marriage, a broken person, a shattered hope. You can't guarantee the people will ever change. You can't throw material things at what most often turns out to be an emotional hole and hope to fill it in. All the hugs in the world won't bring back someones baby or rewrite someones horrid childhood or amend the scars of someones misdeeds.
A meal, a smile, a friendly talk, clothes, cars, toys, a ride to the store won't fix the major problems but we need to give all that and, most importantly, we need to give it consistently. Ultimately, the problem is loneliness. Our consistency tells someone we really do care, every time, not just when it's convenient for us. We are willing to wrestle internally with our own opinions and offer love and encouragement instead of stern advice and self-righteousness. The reality is only God can heal their suffering, and we need to be there to remind people, even when we doubt that sometimes.
We wonder why such a powerful, loving Creator allows things to happen. We cry, we scream, we rant, we feel depressed and then we must remind ourselves that our emotions are lying to us. The truth of the Bible says that He is always with us, always loves us. He is the only one who knows our beauty the way we want the world to appreciate us, after all we are wonderfully and fearfully made, each of us, by His hands. He hurts as much, even more, than we hurt when we are falling to pieces. He knows us and our needs even better than we do and he doesn't give us more than we can handle, even when we are eye-swollen, chest-crushed downtrodden.
So why doesn't He just fix it? I don't know. I wail out the same question time and again. I rant and rave at Him when I am mad at being broken because He knows I am and there's no use hiding it. I know full well that the deficiency is in me and not my perfect Creator. All I know is He knows what we need to accomplish His purposes in our lives. The rub comes when we'd rather our purposes prevail.
We'd rather stuff our face with popcorn and sit at home watching a movie as soon as we get off work than take the risk of letting the girl who just missed the bus into our car, near our purse, with our kids. We refuse to forgo the few moments of peace we planned for ourselves that day to take her to her drug dealer's house (because that's where she was going anyway) and impart a few words of hope, of truth, a lack of judgement and scorn along the way. She may have clothing on, a healthy physique, and a pocket full of money (intended to provide the only escape for a tortuous internal struggle that is her only reliable companion rather than her electric bill) but her need is greater than ours and we can take a few minutes to offer, without pressure or disdain, a greater hope. We can offer her our heart broken for her trouble.
In the end, I still have problems. I still feel lost, alone, burned alive in anger, and have breakdowns but in retrospect they are nothing compared to what I've known, which is why I seem to have it all together. Besides, I have a true companion, though I need to be reminded sometimes. My true struggle is how to know where to help, how to offer someone the stability I have, how to ensure my life is not pointless, how to make them see the one true God has given them a comforter, a counselor, a hope that can succeed even when everything else falls apart, a hope that returns when you've lost it all and this is a problem that never goes away and never stops hurting.
