I am full of passion. My happy is ecstatic. My sad is heartbroken. My anger is flammable. I am painted brilliant colors with the sun reflecting blindingly off of them.
I often feel like a bull in a china shop, as if everything I say and do runs someone over. I feel forceful. I feel strong. I feel like a gust of wind when most everyone else is a dandelion seed. I get the impression people as a whole would rather we all be subdued, tranquilized, if you will. They seem to say quite often, "Calm down." So I hear, "Lie down, wild horse. Lie down among the teacups and Fabergé eggs. This is OUR home now and you must be - complacent. Have a pill. It'll help you..... conform."
I feel that in their wide stares and silence at my exclamations of elation or outrage or fervent disappointment. I feel it most when I am dead wrong and no one will stand up and point out that my whirlwind is headed in the wrong direction. I know it in the fact that I have often been diagnosed as bipolar, ADHD, and depressed by sidewalk psychiatrists. Any child who jumps and runs and climbs and sings while some adult is explaining for the fifty thousandth time the importance of constant sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and sit still is force fed sedation.
I want to run headlong into the outdoors and yell with my head turned back to where everyone is mindlessly milling, "Look, look! Do you see this green grass? Do you feel this wind and the sun on your skin? Do you feel ALIVE?!!? I want to smash their stupid smartphones down and say, "Hey! Did you notice the trash in the gutter, the old lady struggling with her grocery bags, the people with their bruises? Don't you want to DO something?!" How can we spend hours fighting gameboy zombies and screaming encouragement at teams that can't hear us while all the while deeming it too tedious to fight life's REAL atrocities like champions? I am AGHAST. I am shaking with incredulity. Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh. (I seriously did say that Argh just now but quietly because the kids are sleeping.)
I feel like life MATTERS. People MATTER. Ideas and behaviors and how we treat each other makes astounding difference. We paint our world and the lives of others with the words that come out of our mouths and the motions we make with these God-given, flappable, flailable, wrappable, squeezable, jumpable, flingable, loveable limbs. I feel like I DO have something to prove and I get the overwhelming urge to run up and shake people and yell, "LIVE! There is only one of these lives and it MATTERS what you do with it! Don't you know that?" Don't you?
