Who am I? Seriously, who?

If I wake from a coma and no one is there to remind me who I am, how will I know which car in the parking lot belongs to me, which home is mine to enter? How will I know what is mine to use or give away or what profession I hold and to which boss and authority I answer? What if I was a vile human being before but I wake up not remembering that with a chance at being someone else? I have the choice to believe and accept the life from before or abandon all and start anew. When I was saved, it was like being woken from that coma and I turned to God, to the Bible, to tell me who I am. Forget who I was before. Forget who ruled over me before.

Who am I now? Seriously, who? I believe in God. I believe that Christ is my savior but what does that mean for me? Do I have a life of come what may, in which I am subject to evil in and around me as before, powerless only to hold on for death until I can be with God, promised only a life with Him AFTER this life is over? Or have I died already and woken up into a life of power, abundance, blessing, and authority over evil? If I am dead and Christ is alive in me, then whose power do I have? Whose authority have I been given? Not to say things won’t be infinitely different when we are spirit alone, but I am not there yet and, therefore, unconcerned because it will come in its time and my place is secured. I AM however, concerned as to the point of my current existence and the tools which I have been given. If I do not know who I am, how can I be who God intended me to be when He formed me in the womb, when He put a destiny in me for His kingdom,  predestined me to be conformed to the image of His Son (Ps 139:13 &16, Romans 8:29)?

Christ is my gateway to holiness (Col 1:22), perfection forever (Heb 10:14), the righteousness of God (Rom 3:22), power and authority in the earth (Luke 9:1).  I believe that Christ extends the spirit He bestowed upon His disciples to me as well, being one. Christ is as a man taking a far journey, who left his house, and gave his work and authority to me (Mark 13:34). I am adopted to sonship, heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ (Romans 8:15-17).  His seal is on my head, no other! (2 Cor 1:22) I do not live in the realm of the flesh but in the realm of the Spirit (Romans 8:9). The Spirit God gave me does not make me timid, but gives me power, love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7).

I have overcome the evil one and (2 Cor 5:13) I can extinguish all his flaming arrows. (Eph 6:16) Not that the ruler of the air wasn’t able to come against me before I knew Christ, it’s just that he cannot now for I am seated in heavenly places (Eph 2:1-6). Satan was cast out of heaven and Christ gave me the ability to overcome all the power of the enemy (Luke 10:18 &19).  He still wanders about seeking to devour but I’m entirely capable of resisting (1 Peter 5). If I resist, he will flee (James 4:7). Furthermore, I am tempted by my own evil desire and enticed (james 1:14). But no temptation has overtaken me that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let me be tempted beyond my ability (1 Cor 10:13). I am powerful, full of power, not weakness (2 Timothy 1:6). It’s my job to fan into flame the gift of God, and live up to what I have attained (Phil 3:16).

 Paul admits not having reached it yet but continues to strive heavenward. Choose as you may to believe these things attainable only after death only when you reach the fullness of heaven separate from our earthly bodies. Or choose to embrace the possibility of reaching such goals during life, having believed that heaven is at hand now and we are seated in holy places with Christ currently. It’s your choice. Be it to me as I believe for faith was and is ALWAYS the key to spiritual gifts, revelations, and healing. Those in the wilderness died there for lack of faith. I would rather press on to a promised land in this very life. (2 Peter 1:4) I would rather participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. I will try as hard as I may to possess the qualities that will keep me from being ineffective and unproductive in my knowledge of Christ. Most importantly, if I know who I am and who I’m meant to be, then I know what power I have, what hope I have, how great I am intended to become.

We have all been given a choice, and in making that choice head down a path. Only, that is not the end of our choosing.  Those who have chosen Christ walk toward the same end goal, but it is still up to us to choose the tools we carry and the toolbox is open to us all. Our way can be joyous or mournful, we can become strong or weak, we are able to let the enemy in or keep him out. We may display patience or impatience, gratitude or selfishness, love or hate, forgiveness or grudges, peace or wrath, self control or lack thereof. We can put on our armor or cast it off. As Christians we still have many, many choices to make.

the daises need to stop wishing they were roses

No one's life is perfect.We hear that all the time. We hear it so much it's just one of those meaningless things we say like, "tomorrow's another day". We know as they escape our mouths that it was just noise, just a thing to say to fill the uncomfortable sorrow, just a wishful thought devoid of hope and meant as a mild excuse for all our countless daily shortcomings. We shouldn't be arrogant, or selfish, or conceited but we have taken that WAY too far, to the point, almost, of self hatred and abuse.

When does it all get to be OK? It's ok we went to bed with a sink full of dishes because we were having a family day at the park. It's ok the kids went to school dirty from yesterday when we worked in the yard all evening and were too tired when the meltdowns started to mop an entire bathroom after the bath time deluge. It's ok my kids ARE neat and tidy and I'm really good at organizing and scheduling and cleaning.  It's ok we didn't have kids at all. It's ok I work as a janitor and go fishing on the weekends. It's ok I rock my white collar job and never want to step foot outdoors at all.  It's ok I don't care about politics or Monsanto, or what sale is where. It's ok I like to boycott loads of things on principle. It's ok I HATE crafting. It's ok sometimes I'm sad, or mad, or feel a little melancholy for no reason. It's ok I'm always pretty happy. It's ok I have what they call ADHD and I don't see it as a defect at all. In fact, really actually LIKE my brain all sped up and bouncy without meds.

There aren't enough hours in the day. There's another one that suggests we fail at time management, at seizing the day, at life, but would that help? REALLY? How super-person do we need to be? The kids are loved. Some work got done, some family time spent together.  When will what we DO become ENOUGH? Who will teach us how to live our lives with contentment because we LIVED our lives, together? We made a GREAT run of the day and, yeah, we skipped a few hurdles and wrestled with our emotions but, all in all, the day was full. Not FAILED.

The older I get, the more humanity's plight breaks my heart. We live like husks of people. Blowing to and fro on a wind of rush, rush, rush and in the breezes of better, better, better. We pass on to our kids and our friends the idea that we are failures when they look up to us as their everything. Ok, so any kid past five or so decides the world should be THEIR way and we parents are in THEIR way, but come the hurts, the questions, the fears, and delights to whom do they run to share them? We teach everyone that no matter how hard they work or how much they achieve, it will NEVER measure up.

Just who are we measuring, anyway? We have to be Martha Stewart, Gordon Ramsey, an astrophysicist, coupon mom (or dad) of the year, Bill Gates, that super spunky soccer parent, the foremost authority on everything, a successful career person, homemaker extraordinaire, and Jesus all rolled into one.  And that is what we teach our kids they need to become if they want to be good at life, but we tell them that they are great how they are. They know what you really mean: I have to be better, better at everything, and you will be enough, maybe, probably not. No, you'll never be enough.

Not to say we shouldn't have goals and aspire to greatness, but seriously, we ARE pretty awesome already. LIFE is pretty awesome, even when it's sad. Accept your strengths without embarrassment because GOD gave them to you, it wasn't really any credit to you alone anyway. It's ok to be GREAT at things. Let your weaknesses be ok, too, because we are all a different part of a whole body and we were built to be great at some things and utter junk at others. Why? Because other people were made to be awesome at that other stuff. Not to SHAME you but just to live with variety, with spice, with individuality and wholeness! 

You need a bunch of different flowers to make a bouquet. We can't all be daisies and we can't all be roses and the daises need to stop wishing they were roses and realize that some of us prefer daisies anyway (and some don't). In the realm of flowers I fancy myself a milk thistle. It's sharp and wild and horrible for gardens, unfriendly for picking, and not at all meant to be in a bouquet, but draws butterflies and has a deep, deep root. What kind of person are you? Can that just be ok and, most times, even GREAT?

like a homeless child in a strange city

When I was 15, I gave myself a tattoo. I scorched a needle with a lighter and dipped it into my brother's "borrowed" bottle of India ink and marked myself with my first love's initials. Recklessly and with full abandon, I made a poor choice. Isn't that usually the way? These days I find myself contemplating a new one, something suitable to cover my mistake. I'd rather not have made it, like so many others, so many worse. 

Sometimes I wonder how we can look at people in the midst of their mistakes and judge them for it. Somehow their poor life choices or attitudes suddenly become the basis by which we decide just how much sympathy they are worth and how much kindness we will offer.  Sadly, we withhold the very love that God offers so freely to us all in our brokenness. He aches over them and mourns for their return to safety, return to Him. He grieves their loss while we condemn them. How long ago was it that we ourselves perfected our own behavior? For whom has Christ come, the righteous or the sinners?

Underneath the blinding brightness that covers our sins is a righteousness of filthy rags yet we would pretend to be more than our brothers lost yet in their suffering. Why would we not extend the hand of mercy when we know how similar we are and realize that we walk with our best friend while they stumble alone? 

God alone knows how many more failures it will take before they choose to walk with Him. It may be tomorrow. It may be the end of their life. Perhaps, I shudder to think, it may not come at all and the frivolous pleasures of this life are all the joy they will ever know. How devastating! Does that not feed our compassion and assuage our fire for judgement?

In all our church attendance, all our serving, all our pleas for our own guidance, knowledge, healing, growth, in all our sacrifice how can we harden our hearts to the very ones God has called us to love? How many times should we forgive our brother? Often the ones we judge most harshly sit right beside us in the pews. If someone hits us in the face, the Bible says to let them have another go. So how can we who call ourselves His, look with such disdain on those who are only hurting themselves far worse than anything they could possibly do to us?

Matthew 9:12-13 “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Just because our sins without Christ were committed years ago and now we sin with the knowledge that He makes us clean, does that permit us to abuse those who are currently sinful and alone? I have done so much wrong I could NEVER atone for my own mistakes so why would I expect anyone else to be able to do that for themselves? I am so thankful to be a new person and my heart is so broken for those who haven't made it yet that I feel no anger at their position but pity, instead.

I imagine I can grow closer to God, more favored, by sacrificing my life and deeds to Him. I used to think that because I was His and chose His ways, wore myself out doing good deeds in His name, He would love me more but now I see I was wrong. Just as a mother, whose son is in jail, has lost no love for her child but is full of anger and pain and longing for his future, so too is the Father for His lost children and so too should we be for our wayward brothers and sisters. 

I have decided to cover my past ink laden mistake with one simple word: Mercy. Then I will always be reminded to offer that above my sacrifice, to everyone. I cannot atone for my own sins with my actions, however changed, improved they may be. Neither can the currently lost find redemption by cleaning up and playing church. It is God given and we are all as worthy, the currently saved, as those who do not yet walk with Him or those who are falling away. The only difference is, we have found our true love, our best friend, our home, while they flounder alone like a homeless child in a strange city and we throw rocks.......

End the Bout and Retire

I lost myself. Somewhere in the giving of my body to pregnancy, every dream to the desires of my husband, every second to the needs of my children, and the stray moments of cultivating a life of philanthropy, I feel I've nearly ceased to exist.

I've read one book in 3 years. One book for sheer pleasure, not spiritual devotion, not education, not children's tales. I miss reading. 

I miss quiet, thoughtless moments. Even in the few hours after the kids have gone to sleep my head is full of this barrage of planning, criticizing, questioning, agonizing, processing, frustrating. Even letting it go, whatever the IT may be, is like diving into a dog fight and wresting one animal from another.

I have FOUGHT a momentous battle in myself. I KNOW "we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Cor 10:3-5) I fight against my OWN mind. 

I KNOW "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it" (Matthew 16:24-25) But I have not done it willingly and, at times, have even been bitter over such a calling. "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." (2 Cor 9:7)

The Bible tells me He will give me peace, that His burden is light. Mine is VERY heavy, but I don't know how to put it down. It seems a great mental effort to let a thing go and even then it is truly not released for it springs again to my mind, later, and later, and again. I want to hold on to my books, my crafts, my dreams, my plans, my desires but the time for those things is consumed by the needs of those around me. 

The world would advise "me" time. I know it's NEVER enough. I have taken such time and am even more loath to return to my duties then I was before I lavished an hour or two on my own indulgences. Nowhere, that I have found, is this encouraged in the Bible. To be honest I find no respite in it either, there's a constant pulling toward duty that keeps me from enjoying it.

I feel I give almost my all to everyone. I have a few expectations. I have recently been emotionally shattered and, I feel, financially cheated. I am told, it seems, by people that expectations deserve such demise, as though I am at fault for believing people should be more thoughtful. In any case, I am advised to "pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back." (Luke 6:28-30)

I have carried, drug, wrestled, and been defeated by a gaping hole called UNFULFILLED my whole life, not without warrant, mind you, but even the most easy, stable, and perfectly functional life has its pitfalls. Though it be a large thing that trip me and a small slight that trip you, we are both on our face in the dirt. The point is, I want to detach myself from my emotions and lose myself to others with no regard how they treat me. I want to do what I should DESPITE them all and devoid of bitterness. I want to call the constant boxing match between my duties and desires in favor of obligations, end the bout, and retire. 

Somehow I think when Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." (John 15:13) he wasn't only foreshadowing His death and speaking of diving in front of a bullet. He was telling us to forgo ourselves, our personality, desires, longings, loves, sometimes even dreams, for the sake of everyone else and especially God. How do I get THERE?

Beat the human out....

As usual, I have been struggling a LOT. When the Bible describes us travailing in birth pains until our son ship is manifest (Romans 8:22). I know EXACTLY what that means. It seems the fruit of the spirit does not come easily to me at all. I am rebellious, sadly. I buck everything and when I KNOW I should think, feel, act differently than I do, the wrestling match begins. I have to beat the, well, human, out of myself. It doesn't go peaceably.

Raising children is an insurmountable task for me.  I need to be more than I am so that I can teach them the proper things. I don't want them to struggle with the same issues spiritually. Believing, as I do, that God is true and He deserves praise, worship, loyalty, and love from every living thing, it is then my duty to help them along this path so they achieve more in it than I ever could. It is my goal to be their ladder, or really to let Christ work through me so that He is their ladder. This means that I cannot do what I want. I am in doubt. I do not know how to be more than I am. I do not have a childhood bank of object lessons from which to pull. So I pray because God must show me how to be the right parent, how to attain and exude His glory, not my own.

I struggle with contentment, envy, and, as I mentioned, authority. Knowing God and that His will is the same as my own in conquering these foes for Him I trust my prayers will be answered and my enemies put under my feet, not without diligence and sacrifice on my part. I have been asking how to be content for quite a while. I want to be a Godly wife, not just a good one. That's hard. It's self-sacrificing. It means I come last.

So while the kids were down for a nap and I wanted to watch tv, I found myself griping about wasting those precious and limited minutes loading the washer and the wood stove and putting on dinner instead. And suddenly as well as finally, He spoke to me. I was carrying a armload of wood to the fire stoking my own flames of neglected desire in the process and suddenly the thought was whispered, "Be thankful for this wood." 

That rough, heavy, daily chore became a blessing. I am warm. I am able bodied. The loading and starting of the washer, no longer a chore. I am not huddled in a doorway with too few clothes shivering my life away with no hope of help or love or kindness. But some are.

I know we know this. At odd times in driving or praying or eating or teaching our kids we say, "Kids in Africa would be glad for this." Truth be told there are people in your very town that would, too. But then we forget. We get mad about lines at school, about policies at work, about the dishes, the laundry, the never-ending honey-do list. These chores MUST be accomplished, most daily. God, help me, help us all, always see them as the blessing they are and forget instead to be frustrated.

As I was heading up from the basement where the wood stove and washer are to put on supper, Mathew 13:12 came to me: "Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him." I don't think I really ever understood this verse before now. In a spiritual light my peace and joy stand to be taken and my gifts in life will become a burden. If I can be thankful for my duties and in them find blessing, I will have joy added to my action but if I hold on to the frustration, the task becomes arduous and all goodness is then taken from it.

one poorly handled tantrum at a time

Today as I was losing my cool with the kids I started all that poisonous mental talk. You know the kind: Why am I always stuck here with all these responsibilities?  Why can’t they just do what I say? Why so many messes. Oh poor pitiful me.

I realized suddenly that I have been calling my blessings a curse and utterly shirking my responsibilities.  I fancy myself a warrior, built for battle, standing up for the side of right.  But honestly when it comes to the actual battles in life I cowardly run away, refuse to deal with the issue, or throw a tantrum in my mind that would rival the ones for which my children are sent to their rooms.

Instead of dealing with the dishes, I check Facebook. Instead of folding the laundry, I clean the relatively clean bathroom. All the while this bickering is running tickertape fashion through my mind.  It’s no wonder there is so much harshness escaping my mouth, so much yelling.  It’s no wonder I feel so angry.

I have been called to fill the most beautiful heads with Truth, with example, with love and in explicit selfishness I choose my coffee, my television shows, my time.  My time I deem better spent entertained and self served rather than an example of patience, honesty, diligence, sacrifice and forethought.  It is often discussed in circles of wizened empty nest mothers how they long for the youth of their children whose hands are no longer the size we inexplicably feel the need to replicate in every medium possible.  Here I am wishing my babies’ childhood away one poorly handled tantrum at a time.  And really many of their tantrums are my fault.  It’s their last resort after my attention and negative is better than none.

I am a fixer. Every scraped knee, lost job, or passing sorrow sparks an immediate flood of solutions on righting the tilted ship. I do not wallow in seeking out the how-did-this-happen except to remember what future pothole to avoid.  I want to know how to make it right.  In my most vulnerable of moments, after the screaming stops and everyone settles back into themselves, like birds suddenly startled ruffle each feather back in place on the safest branch they can find, I am shamed and I ask my husband to fix me.  Give me that one piece of advice that will change how I think, change who I am, because in my head I know I don’t want to be this furious and malcontent person.  I don’t want to be the tyrannical dictator ruthlessly exacting my demands on all my lowly subjects – or family, rather.

As ineffectual and perhaps insane as it may sound I need to learn to be my own contender.  I have to stand up to me.  For every negative viewpoint I must counter myself with the positive until good thoughts beat the poor ones out of my head enough times they just stop coming around.  For every self debasing lie I must remind myself who I am, who God says I am. I must meet the challenges He sets before me and fill the role for which I’ve been created with warrior-like stoicism.  

Everything takes practice and this mind renewal is no exception.  My kids deserve better. My husband deserves better. I deserve better but what’s more God deserves everything I have to give.  This race, like any other, must be run for the right reason and the finish line should be reached panting and spent with every selfish desire pushed aside and pain ignored until my goal has been achieved.  First though, my goal must change.  Instead of coffee or rest or computer time, instead of friendships or crafting or gardening, instead of ME, my goal must be HIM and showing them who He is and how to house Him because that’s what we were made to be: temples, brides, and friends – of God.

Beyond this mortality

I've lately been struggling with a loneliness that steeps everyone in my life in poor taste.  Somehow my friends aren't really friends. My family doesn't really care.  No one sees me for who I am but only for what I can give or do for them. Suddenly, I found myself going down the list of people in my life and checking off the ways in which they've failed me.  I was making my emotional weakness their fault instead of taking responsibility for my own selfish cravings.


Obviously none of these perceptions about others are true but the emptiness and longing they create feels real. Now, before any of you truly awesome and supportive friends read this and start offering up your lovely words of encouragement and ego-stroking kindness, I want you to know that I don't want any of that. My purpose in writing this isn't for my own encouragement but for that of others out there that I know need to see that they are not alone.


Then suddenly (as He often does) God shook my conscience a bit and said, "Now you know how I feel." What?! How could the King of Kings, Creator of the universe relate to my petty misgivings? And it dawned on me that the whole point in the creation of man was for a companion.  Evidently there was a loneliness that existed before we were made.

God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong ( 1 Cor 1:27). We feel stupid talking out loud to the air or believing that a love from someone who has no arms to hug you or lips to kiss you can be more satisfying than the faulty and often selfish love from another person. But we aren't talking to the air, not if we truly believe in God and His methods are higher than ours. I asked God to increase our relationship more by being more physically tangible and He refuted that I need to make our relationship stronger by learning to be more spiritual because He is spirit. We want God to operate more in the manner of touch and sound because with that we are more familiar but He is ever calling us for higher purposes, for a life in, but much further beyond this mortality.  He offers a real healing, a true cure, while we often seek only an aspirin to mask the symptoms.

I truly believe that in ALL things (even the most horrid) God works for the good of those who love him and seek His purpose (Romans 8:28). So I found that He was using one of my most despondent moments to teach me to lean on Him.  You see He knows you the way you want some human in life to know you. He loves you more than your spouse, your friends, your parents love you. He will not fail you like people can. God uses all of our pains to beckon us toward His outstretched arms. Our longing for earthly recognition, for human acclaim, comes from a dark place but our deep and tender desire for companionship is not only mirrored by but also only truly fulfilled by the Almighty.